America: The Land of Red White and Blue (Slurpees) And The Home of the Free (Refills)

Know this ordinary citizen: Mayor Michael Bloomberg is just like us. He understands you and your needs as a normal NY’er because he himself is a normal NY’er. He’s as American as a 2 liter of coke. He’s as American as the Big Gulp. He’s as American as free refills.

Take a look at how similar his daily routine is compared to yours:

Each morning as the white doves are releases into his room, he rises from his dictator sized bed (2 sizes larger than a California King. Queen, King, Cal King, President, Sheik, Dictator) and is carried via Cleopatra’s carrying chair (purchased cash in hand at Sotheby’s 1999) to his 2,200 sq foot bathroom made entirely of Marble from The Parthenon. In his commode, his six Victoria Secret-esque hand maids bathe him and then rub whale semen all over his body to maintain perfect skin moisture PH and elasticity. After having the entire NY Times front page acted out by Tony nominated Broadway actors on the “news stage” in his newsroom, he has his tailors hand sew his Brioni suit to his well honed frame in his in-apartment tailoring shop. As he gazes out at the city from his “gazing room” he breaths in just such a way that his consigliere realizes Mr. Bloomberg is ready to take food in to his body in order to break down the natural sugars and create energy (Mr. Bloomberg doesn’t just eat). He moves to his 6,000 sq foot Frank Gehry designed breakfast nook and sits down to eat artisinal gold leaf flecked granola, drink Guatamalan fair trade coffee roasted in house by real alive Guatamalens and eat fresh fruit hand delivered daily by the finest fruit mongers then brunoised into perfect bite sized pieces by Jean Vorge. Then it’s just a quick jaunt upstairs via duck tales elevator (it’s an elevator filled with gold coins – impractical but necessary) to illegally fly his helicopter around NYC all in hopes of finding the mythical perfect AT&T cell phone reception.

So it’s quite shocking to hear that The Mayor could be so detached from what his constituency wants. He’s gone rogue by banning the sale of sugar beverages above 16 oz. He’s clearly forgot that by the time he runs for his 5th term all the 12 year olds he’s angering will be of voting age. And let me tell you, take soda away from a 12 year old and they NEVER forget you.

Hold all my calls. I'm about to drink 5 gallons of soda and watch a Mob Wives marathon

I got the google alert via text – (I have soda, soda pop, vernors, mexican coke and Fresca all set as google alerts so I can stay abreast of all sodapop related media situations) while watching the Avengers for the 3rd time. I screamed and knocked over my soda which was of course absolutely gigantic. As the pop cascaded down the theater style seating soaking tourist flip flop after tourist flip flop, a large part of my soul started to dry up. Because the idea of what America should be was simultaneously drying up. I wanted to quench this saharan dryness of anti-patriotism, but alas, there was no more soda within my grasp. And I knew then that 16 oz. of soda would never be enough to fill this widening chasm of Un-American thinking the mayor had put forth.

News outlets are reporting that the revelation came when Mr. Bloomberg was dining al fresco on his 325 ft. yacht “The Ticker Tape” and realized that the 16 oz champagne flutes filled with the sweat of virgins (already impossible to find on shelves in The Hamptons) was a lot of liquid.

I told the designers “Make my yacht look like an eagle head mixed with a dustbuster. Money is no object!”

That’s how America works now. A man says “this is enough liquid for me personally. And I think everyone else should only be able to consume this much liquid as well.” So the gears of democracy churned and he issued a decree from his 76th floor throne:

From this moment forth Soda can be consumed only in 16 oz increments.

In his own words : We aren’t limiting your ability to consume 32 oz. of soda, we are just making it so you need to carry two 16 oz. cups.

How am I supposed to carry my popcorn and soft pretzel and sour patch kids with two 16 oz sodas – one in each hand? What is this – Iran? I guess I’ll do that thing when I hook the snacks with my pinky’s and pinch it between the cups I hold together as a walk. I’m sure that won’t be awkward when I drop my soft pretzel on the floor of the bathroom but don’t throw it away and then eat it shamefully in the theater.

You know what a huge drink is? It’s innovation. It holds MORE liquid in one spot. This country was built on innovation. I’ve seen at least $50mill of bailout money funded car ads announcing that much. And America’s leaders won’t stop talking about how as a country we need more forward thinkers, more innovators, more great leaders. I’ll tell you what limiting young people’s ability to drink sodas 24 hours a day is : backwards thinking that will produce less innovators and less great leaders. Why don’t you suck down that italicized revelation with a big huge straw from my 16oz glass of go fuck yourself because your are destroying this great nation.

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness. A big coke sure helps me live life to the fullest. It gets me jacked up. It makes me feel happy as hell! And strong too! Like Superman! Like…like I could climb the statue of Liberty! You know what I’m talking about. James Madison wrote that on his front porch. And you know what he was doing? Drinking a 75 oz tea sweetened with a gallon of sweet pure cane sugar extracted by well paid unionized workers.

After the American flag, I am not sure there is a more fitting emblem of American dominance and greatness than this:

How do you like them apples longtime nemesis and enemy Japan?

Frank Bruni argues in his piece that Mayor Bloomberg isn’t taking anything away from us. I disagree. He’s taking everything away from us. He’s taking away our birthright as American citizens. The right to choose. All Americans can agree that we should all have the right to choose and government shouldn’t interfere. If I invited Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and James Madison over tomorrow to my house to get gay married, then get an abortion while firing off automatic weapons and drinking 2 liters of coke, they would emphatically RSVP yes.

Because that is what America is about. Bigger. Better. Sweeter. Freedom.

If this is an experiment bound to fail, then the summer was the right time to put it into action. Limit kids ability to consume pop when they don’t need the valuable energy soda can deliver. Summer is about enjoying yourself outdoors. So yes, give em water. But when school rolls back and it’s time to crack the whip and hit the books, I say we put free refill soda fountains in every hallway of every school in America. As America slips behind other developing nations we need our young people alert, focused and ready to learn. And huge sodas can help kids achieve and maintain that level of focus. We can bring America back to its dominant state. It’s not going to be easy. But we can do it together, one big gulp at a time.