This Vday you could book a table at some glitzy restaurant downtown. Order a bottle of expensive champagne, get the sexy small seafood starter, move into the shareable red meat main course, finish with the chocolate ganache dessert. You could bring roses and wear a sports jacket or a dress and take a cab there AND back and shower and be romantic. Yeah, that’s a way to spend an evening in February.
You could order the super special Sussman brothers Valentine’s Day – Lovers Dream Come True Dining Package.
For $5,000 we will come to your apartment on Valentine’s Day and cook for the two of you (and another couple if you wish) unlimited coney dogs from 12noon-10pm at night. That’s right. 10 hours of Coney Dogs. You can take bathroom breaks. You can take a nap. You can stop for sex. You can have arguments about your relationship in front of us. You can go take a jog halfway through or call your CPA to discuss your taxes. You can turn on the TV and watch the entire season of Orange Is The New Black. If you want us to give you a coney while you are on the toilet, we will do that. The entire time we will be at your beckon call for coney production. We won’t bring cake. We won’t bring beers or champagne. We aren’t going to dress nice or bring cutlery or stemware. We aren’t even going to do the dishes. We’re just going to come and serve all you can eat chili and onion covered hot dogs for 10 hours straight.
If you are feeling like taking it up a notch, for an additional $10,000 ($15k total) Eric Ripert, famed 3 Michelin starred chef from Le Bernardin will come and cook an appetizer course using the world’s most rare fish – The Devils Hole pupfish. The Cyprinodon diabolis is the rarest fish in the world. Found only in a single, tiny limestone cavern in the Devils Hole geothermal pool about 100 miles east of Nevada’s Death Valley National Park, these fish have the smallest known geographic range of any vertebrate in the wild. So yeah, before we load you up with Coney Dogs you get a little pupfish crudo. Or pupfish ceviche. Or pupfish something else. Ripert is going to highlight that fish perfectly. Ripert doesn’t over do it. When Ripert does pupfish, RIPERT DOES PUPFISH. You might think to yourself (our think it out loud, or text it to a friend or remark to your spouse or the other couple you’ve invited over) that $10k is a lot for Eric Ripert to make you 2 oz of pupfish ceviche. But just hearing Eric Ripert say “Devil’s Hole Pupfish” in the comfort of your own home while you wear pajamas will work everyone into such a sexy Vday frenzy that it’s easily worth $25k. And in this situation it only costs $10k. So technically we just saved you $15,000.
If you want to show your lover that you care even more about them by exchanging monetary amounts for good and services in order to relay how much their love is worth based on a dollar to amount of love exchange scale, for $15,000 additional dollars (we’re now at $30k total) Dominique Ansel is going to come and make a gold leaf encrusted Cronut in the likeness of your partner for dessert. After the pupfish app and appx 2-10 hours of coney dog consumption you can settle in to the remainder of the evening by eating the face of your lover made entirely out of a croissant flavored donut. Or perhaps it’s a donut flavored croissant. Not sure, not really a big fan of waiting in lines for things.
If you’re going big or going home (this is an expression, you will already and still will be at home) for an additional $70k ($100k total now) Elon Musk is going to come over with his Tesla engineering team and explain and assemble an entire Tesla automobile inside your apartment and then disassemble that automobile, then reassemble in street side in front of your apartment. That’s right. In 10 hours you will hear how the world’s first electric car is built and see it with it’s own eyes as it’s constructed and then deconstructed and then reconstructed again curbside. Curbside car reconstruction is going to be one of the hottest trends and so this will make you a trendsetter.
For a $250k supplement ($350k total at this point) the entire cast of Hamilton will come and perform the entire play of Hamilton in your apartment without moving any of your furniture. No matter what the sq footage is or the configuration of your belongings, they will perform the Tony Award winning play from start to finish with an intermission w/o bumping into anything while Elon Musk’s team builds a Tesla, while you eat Coney Dogs and while Eric Ripert does the dishes from his pupfish crudo appetizer and while Dominque Ansel just hangs out playing words with friends or Candycrush on his cell phone waiting for you to want dessert so he can make a cronut that looks like the face of your love. At any point during the show just yell CONEY and a steaming all beef hot dog loaded with chili with be delivered directly to your mouth hole.
For a $500k additional fee (gratuity not included) ($850k running tab) Mark Zuckerberg AND the Winkelvoss twins will appear during the intermission of Hamilton to argue about the initial creation of facebook. It will all be totally off the record and will not be subjected to any legal proceedings so there is a pretty good chance Zuck will admit that he def stole the idea from the Voss’es. Musk, Ripert, the entire cast of Hamilton and Dominique all have agreed to sign NDA’s and turn over their cell phones so we can really get to the bottom of this. Please note, this entire time, coneys are raining down upon thee like mana from heaven.
For $1,000,000 on top of the rest of the money you’ve spent ($1.8 mill total) Beyonce will come with Jay-Z and tuck you all in to bed. Both couples, 1 bed. Tightly tucked in after a full day of Coneys and pupfish and cronuts and Teslas and Hamilton and sealed court testimony. Beyonce’s going to look insanely fierce in some sort of kimono and 14 inch heels. Jay is gonna be wearing silk yankee Pjs. She’s going to sing a lullabye. He’s gonna say “yeh” a couple times during the lullabye for emphasis. The she’s going to kiss you both on the forehead and tell you to have sweet dreams. He’s gonna say “G’night New Yowk!.” Then their gonna flip the lightswitch.
And yes, this last item is available a la carte.
****100% of all proceeds go to charity. *****
Happy Valentine’s Day.