Valentine’s Day – Lovers Dream Come True Dining Package

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This Vday you could book a table at some glitzy restaurant downtown. Order a bottle of expensive champagne, get the sexy small seafood starter, move into the shareable red meat main course, finish with the chocolate ganache dessert. You could bring roses and wear a sports jacket or a dress and take a cab there AND back and shower and be romantic. Yeah, that’s a way to spend an evening in February.

OR

You could order the super special Sussman brothers Valentine’s Day – Lovers Dream Come True Dining Package.

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For $5,000 we will come to your apartment on Valentine’s Day and cook for the two of you (and another couple if you wish) unlimited coney dogs from 12noon-10pm at night. That’s right. 10 hours of Coney Dogs. You can take bathroom breaks. You can take a nap. You can stop for sex. You can have arguments about your relationship in front of us. You can go take a jog halfway through or call your CPA to discuss your taxes. You can turn on the TV and watch the entire season of Orange Is The New Black. If you want us to give you a coney while you are on the toilet, we will do that. The entire time we will be at your beckon call for coney production. We won’t bring cake. We won’t bring beers or champagne. We aren’t going to dress nice or bring cutlery or stemware. We aren’t even going to do the dishes. We’re just going to come and serve all you can eat chili and onion covered hot dogs for 10 hours straight.

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If you are feeling like taking it up a notch, for an additional $10,000 ($15k total) Eric Ripert, famed 3 Michelin starred chef from Le Bernardin will come and cook  an appetizer course using the world’s most rare fish - The Devils Hole pupfish. The Cyprinodon diabolis is the rarest fish in the world. Found only in a single, tiny limestone cavern in the Devils Hole geothermal pool about 100 miles east of Nevada’s Death Valley National Park, these fish have the smallest known geographic range of any vertebrate in the wild. So yeah, before we load you up with Coney Dogs you get a little pupfish crudo. Or pupfish ceviche. Or pupfish something else. Ripert is going to highlight that fish perfectly. Ripert doesn’t over do it. When Ripert does pupfish, RIPERT DOES PUPFISH. You might think to yourself (our think it out loud, or text it to a friend or remark to your spouse or the other couple you’ve invited over) that $10k is a lot for Eric Ripert to make you 2 oz of pupfish ceviche. But just hearing Eric Ripert say “Devil’s Hole Pupfish” in the comfort of your own home while you wear pajamas will work everyone into such a sexy Vday frenzy that it’s easily worth $25k. And in this situation it only costs $10k. So technically we just saved you $15,000.

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If you want to show your lover that you care even more about them by exchanging monetary amounts for good and services in order to relay how much their love is worth based on a dollar to amount of love exchange scale, for $15,000 additional dollars (we’re now at $30k total) Dominique Ansel is going to come and make a gold leaf encrusted Cronut in the likeness of your partner for dessert. After the pupfish app and appx 2-10 hours of coney dog consumption you can settle in to the remainder of the evening by eating the face of your lover made entirely out of a croissant flavored donut. Or perhaps it’s a donut flavored croissant. Not sure, not really a big fan of waiting in lines for things.

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If you’re going big or going home (this is an expression, you will already and still will be at home) for an additional $70k ($100k total now) Elon Musk is going to come over with his Tesla engineering team and explain and assemble an entire Tesla automobile inside your apartment and then disassemble that automobile, then reassemble in street side in front of your apartment. That’s right. In 10 hours you will hear how the world’s first electric car is built and see it with it’s own eyes as it’s constructed and then deconstructed and then reconstructed again curbside. Curbside car reconstruction is going to be one of the hottest trends and so this will make you a trendsetter.

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For a $250k supplement ($350k total at this point) the entire cast of Hamilton will come and perform the entire play of Hamilton in your apartment without moving any of your furniture. No matter what the sq footage is or the configuration of your belongings, they will perform the Tony Award winning play from start to finish with an intermission w/o bumping into anything while Elon Musk’s team builds a Tesla, while you eat Coney Dogs and while Eric Ripert does the dishes from his pupfish crudo appetizer and while Dominque Ansel just hangs out playing words with friends or Candycrush on his cell phone waiting for you to want dessert so he can make a cronut that looks like the face of your love. At any point during the show just yell CONEY and a steaming all beef hot dog loaded with chili with be delivered directly to your mouth hole.

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For a $500k additional fee (gratuity not included) ($850k running tab) Mark Zuckerberg AND the Winkelvoss twins will appear during the intermission of Hamilton to argue about the initial creation of facebook. It will all be totally off the record and will not be subjected to any legal proceedings so there is a pretty good chance Zuck will admit that he def stole the idea from the Voss’es. Musk, Ripert, the entire cast of Hamilton and Dominique all have agreed to sign NDA’s and turn over their cell phones so we can really get to the bottom of this. Please note, this entire time, coneys are raining down upon thee like mana from heaven.

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For $1,000,000 on top of the rest of the money you’ve spent ($1.8 mill total) Beyonce will come with Jay-Z and tuck you all in to bed. Both couples, 1 bed. Tightly tucked in after a full day of Coneys and pupfish and cronuts and Teslas and Hamilton and sealed court testimony. Beyonce’s going to look insanely fierce in some sort of kimono and 14 inch heels. Jay is gonna be wearing silk yankee Pjs. She’s going to sing a lullabye. He’s gonna say “yeh” a couple times during the lullabye for emphasis. The she’s going to kiss you both on the forehead and tell you to have sweet dreams. He’s gonna say “G’night New Yowk!.” Then their gonna flip the lightswitch.

And yes, this last item is available a la carte.

****100% of all proceeds go to charity. *****

Happy Valentine’s Day.

2016 Food Trends Pt. 1

Hey Guys, just got my ticket to this Kee-Raa-Zee NYTimes and NPR sponsored NYE Bash at Tao. Everyone’s gonna be there. Steve Inskeep. Frank Bruni. Even Sulzburger is supposedly gonna come and do a champagne tweet at midnight. Anywhooz, per the yuesh, we’re doing our Food Trends Report. So strap on your hoverboard Segway and let’s get Cruisin.

TREND: Michelin Starred Fast Food 

With the announcement from Per Se veteran Tom “Thomas” Keller that he’s opening up a fast food concept, the world waited with baited breath for any info. And now we know that in Feb 2016 we’ll get our first taste of “Carrots and Stuff.” His first foray into the realm of fast casual will serve just that – carrots and stuff. Keller said “I am a huge fan of carrots and they are a logical item to center a menu around so we locked ourselves in our test kitchen in Yuntville and went balls to the wall hard on menu conceptualization and decided that carrots are just the best way to anchor our food ideology to fast casual.” Guests will enter the restaurant through a row of raised beds filled with real dirt and place their order at a counter with a farmer wearing Hedley And Bennett overalls. (The FOH staff is made up of real farmers and each member lives local and was organically and ethnically raised by parents on the UWS). Guests will choose what type of carrot they want and then choose a cooking style: “Raw” “steamed ala sauna” “grilled a la plancha” or “roasted ala oven” and then be able to add on a variety of sauces and dips like the “mojo loco tequila bucking bronco spicy habanjero tex mex salsa sauce.” (On a campaign stop Ben Carson was not a huge fan of the “blended chickpea roasted red pepper lemon juice olive oil spread.” )

TREND: Chefs in your Kitchen

The founder of Tindr announced at the last tech crunch his new app “Chefs@Home” would be ready for late Q1 early Q2 or mid Q1.5 time frame and we are so excited for this trend. Chefs@Home blends blue apron, Tindr and Flycleaners into one user friendly experience where you swipe for local chefs driving around in a van. Within 1 hour a chef arrives, brings up all the ingredients to your apartment and cooks you dinner. You can choose the ethnic style of the chef as well as choosing their sex. Each chef’s profile displays a photo of them in a bathing suit and posing with a tiger and or catching a fish flexing.

 

TREND: Super specialized Food Publications 

After announcing her departure from her successful long and fruitful tenure at Food and Wine Magazine , Dana Cowin was sure to take on a big challenge in 2016. And her press conference from atop the hot air balloon of Jose Andres was a brilliant way to announce her new project. As Head Publisher and Generalisimo Executive Creative Director of “Foods from 2006-present and Wine from 1960-1970 Magazine” she’s proven that our trend of super specialized food publications is definitely a trend worth watching.

TREND: General Intolerence 

Dairy, Soy and Gluten have all their days in the sun as the media “stars” of the intolerance storyline. But in 2016 we’re expecting general intolerance to skyrocket into new realms. Already we’re seeing small but steady reports of olive oil intolerance , pulp intolerance and kale intolerance. In order to combat this, restaurants more are marking on their menu which menu items are “olive oil, dairy, gluten, meat, fat and salt free” which is providing diners with a great deal of transparency to make informed decisions easy for the kitchen to follow.

TREND: New Drinking Age influences age restrictions for food consumption 

State Government agencies in 6 states are examining bills that would make it illegal for anyone under 16 to drink soda without being accompanied by an adult that is also drinking soda. So not only must consent be given, but the adult must also purchase a soda. The bill is expected to pass in Oregon, New Hampshire, New York and possibly Florida. If the bill does pass expect new bills limiting age relative to consumption to pop up on the ballot. Already we’ve heard whispers that 2 states in the Southwest will be trying to make almond consumption illegal and Vermont will vote to make eating beef illegal for anyone under the age of 18 on the November ballot.

NY Times is excited about us opening Ed and Bevs Detroit-Style Coney Island!

 

11sussman-master675We are expanding our food offerings at Bergn Beer Hall in Crown Heights with a second booth! In addition to Samesa, we are opening Ed and Bev’s Detroit Style Coney Island! We will be serving our version of Detroit Coney classics every day!

LINK: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/11/dining/coney-island-bergn-eli-sussman-max-sussman.html

 

Letter of Apology to the Community of Montauk

We want to begin by apologizing to all the people of Montauk.  The city welcomed us as a home for the summer and we let all you down.
On Monday night, Ruschmeyers had an end of season cookout for its staff. Contrary to media reports, Max was not present at the party (or even in Montauk). The night of the party the staff left a big mess at the beach.  It was all of our responsibilities to clean up the beach at night before we left and this did not happen.  Several staff including managers, kitchen staff and the director of operations returned in the morning to clean up our mess and the beach was completely cleaned by 9:30am on Tuesday morning.  We regret the decision to not clean the night of the party, and this was a huge error on our part.
Throughout the summer, as chefs we’ve done our best to respect the community of Montauk by supporting local businesses and farms as much as possible.  We have attempted to forge relationships this way as it’s the best way we know how from the kitchen.  Unfortunately it only takes one mistake to undo this work, and that’s what has happened.  We showed disrespect for not only the community that has hosted us for the summer, but also to the ocean itself, to which we also owe a huge debt for providing us with the fish we have been cooking all summer.  We deeply apologize on both counts here and are embarrassed by the way Ruschmeyer’s represented itself.
We are humbled by the passion of the Montauk residents who were so badly hurt, as it has showed us all how much you value your community and its beauty.  Chefs should be leaders both in and out of the kitchen, and in the coming days we will be working in tandem with local community members to express through our actions what we hope we have managed to express here with our words.
Sincerely,
Max and Eli

Passover Recipes!!!

Passover is quickly approaching and as you all know the story, you can’t eat bread during passover or else G dash D will smote you. No one wants to kick off a holiday on the back end of a smiting, so here are a bunch of incredible passover recipes tried and tested so that you can enjoy the many days of Passover guilt free while still enjoying yourself.

Matzo with Nutella

1 sheet matzo

2 oz nutella

Directions: 

1. Take knife and schmear 2 oz of nutella on top of matzo trying hard not to break the matzo as your spread the nutella.

Matzo with Butter

1 sheet of matzo

2 oz butter

Directions: 

1. Take knife and schmear 2 oz of butter on top of matzo trying hard not to break the matzo as your spread the butter.

Matzo with Jam

1 sheet of matzo

2 oz jam

Directions: 

1. Take knife and schmear 2 oz of jam on top of matzo trying hard not to break the matzo as your spread the jam.

Matzo with A-1 Sauce (note: this recipe calls for 4oz of a-1 sauce)

1 sheet of Matzo

4 oz A-1 sauce

Directions: 

1. Take knife and schmear 4 oz of A-1 on top of matzo trying hard not to break the matzo as your spread the A-1.

Matzo Grilled cheese

1 sheet of Matzo

2 slices American Cheese

1. Break the piece of Matzo in half to make two pieces. Put the two slices of American cheese in between the 2 pieces of matzo. Place in oven or toaster until cheese is melted. Eat!